A Broken Heart is a Heart That Has Loved

A Broken Heart is a Heart That Has Loved

It’s been a while since I posted and the main reason is I have struggled to find words with how I am feeling.  I have good days and bad days.  I have days filled with happy thoughts and days when the world seems to close in on me.  I still have those moments in the middle of a joy filled event when I think of Maggie and feel like I am missing something.

I was recently invited to go see a Cavs game up in Cleveland with some really good people.  The whole nine yards was laid out and it was ridiculous.  A limo picked us up in Columbus, we at dinner at an awesome steakhouse, watched the game from awesome seats, had a quick limo drive back to our cars and a traffic free ride home.  The night was great.  I have to admit, there were two times during the evening when I just felt out of place.  I can’t explain exactly why but I guess I am going to try.

We were in the middle of dinner and I am eating this awesome steak with terrific company.  Then, out of nowhere, it pops in my head, “Maggie is gone.”  I had no trigger point, no picture, no song I heard, no conversation leading me to the thought.  It was just, “Maggie’s gone.”  Then I became a space cadet for a few moments trying to collect myself.  I had a broken heart moment.  What brought this on?  Why now?  What is wrong with me?  I was in the middle of a joy filled event and was floored with a one-two punch to the gut.

We went into the game and during halftime we go into the Cavs team store to look around.  We go up to the second floor for my friend to buy a t-shirt for his son.  This time I have a trigger point.  I see clothes for kids and my mind drifts to Maggie.  I think of how I used to try to find something for the kids when I would travel and bring them each something back to let them know I was thinking of them while I was away.  I stand frozen for a moment remembering Maggie’s little face, her toothy smile, her blue eyes, her soft hands and the smell of her red hair.  Again, I think what is wrong with me?  Why here, why now?

Since then I have been home and praying to God to guide me through this grieving process.  As a guy who likes to control things, I want it to be over.  I want it to have a definitive end.  The truth is, there is no end.  I ask God for guidance and I feel like He keeps telling me to let go and trust in Him.  Let go.  That keeps ringing in my head…let go.  As I think about it, I hear God telling me to let go of the grief, at least the misery side of it.  Let go and see the beauty in what is around me.  Not letting go of the memories but embracing those and seeing the ripple effect of them.  So I started to think about Maggie and her impact on people…on me, on Kathy, on Dan and Mary Kate, on her nurses Tina and Amy, on our families, on her classmates, on her teachers, on our church, on our neighbors.  That is when a smile hits my face. 

A small handicapped non-verbal little girl had a big impact on the world.  She made a mark on people and organizations that will continue.  I think I missed the point those two times when I was up in Cleveland.  I became quiet, distant and remiss.  I didn’t see and take advantage of what Maggie taught me while she was still here.  Take hold of the beauty that surrounds you, enjoy the company of the people with whom you do life, feel those special moments and embrace it.  It reminds me of this poem I recently read which I will share with you.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep”

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of the quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

I will freely admit it has been tough without Maggie.  I know it will still be tough in the future.  I know I will struggle and get hit out of the blue with feelings of loss and grief but I will try my best to let go of the pain and embrace the beauty of the moment.  I can take comfort knowing a broken heart is a heart that has loved. 

What is my point of encouragement from this?  Put down your cell phone, take a day off Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, stop taking selfies and invest in the moment.  Look others deeply in their eyes, give them your undivided attention, listen to them, watch a sunrise/sunset with your own eyes, kiss your significant other like you did when you first met, hug someone a little too long, put your face in the air during a strong breeze, feel the sunshine, go for a walk and love on someone.  Just love the fact you are here, you have a purpose, embrace life and enjoy the special moments fully.