Scattered thoughts as The Day comes closer

November 19, 2016...

I sit here debating what to say as the day I fear looms closer.  November 19, 2016.  I seem frozen.  I don’t know how to feel.  I don’t know what to say to people when they ask how I am.  I can only say good, OK or I am managing.  I want to scream.  I want to cry.  I want to get on my knees and beg.  I want...  I want to see her again.  I want to feel her soft hands.  I want to nuzzle in her soft curly head of hair.  I am lost.

I want to give it all to Jesus but something keeps hold me back from letting it rest in His hands...a selfishness.  I keep picturing where I was when I was told to go to the hospital.  I remember the drive to the hospital and thinking why was I not there when she was found at home.  I picture my wife and daughter fighting to get her to breathe.  I remember walking in the emergency room, seeing my baby and falling to my knees.  I relive that pain.  It is always late at night and I wake to those images.  It eats away at me.  I feel helpless, worthless, insecure and less of a man.  A man who swore to protect his family, to look over them and shelter them from harm.  I feel broken.

I look for guidance to carry me through.  I am stumbling and struggling to keep it together.  I pray to God for relief from the pain and grieving I feel.  It comes and goes.  I cry.  I smile.  I remember.

To say I know what God felt when he gave His only Son to save me from my sins, I have a glimpse but it is not comparable.  I did not want her to go.  He willingly gave His Son to save all.  Then I think that His willing sacrifice saved Maggie.  He save Maggie.  Maggie is with God for eternity...for eternity!  My heart grieves but it also sings.  It sings out to her letting her know how much I love her and miss her.  It sings her praises still.  It sings on how she made me a better man...a better dad...a better person.

I can’t help but think of what she is doing now.  What are you doing in heaven my little girl?  What awesome thoughts are running through your head?  Are you singing?  I know you are smiling!  Are you dancing?  Are you pacing the floor?  I know those eyes are bright!  I wish I could glimpse in on you but I have to wait.  I need to bide my time as my work is not done here.  It will be someday and oh what an awesome day that will be when God calls me home.  I know where I will go.  I know who will be waiting for me.  I know the ear to ear grin that will be on my face.  Death has lost its sting.  I will met you again my beautiful child in the loving arms of our Savior.  What a thought.  What peace it brings.  God is good all day every day.