"To bad, sometimes life just isn't fair..." I have had a hard time coming up with words lately. Literally, I feel like I can't come up with words to answer questions or ask someone for something. I am sure it's something to do with grief. Well, that sucks. Another sucky grief side effect.
There are no words for people who lose someone they love. You can try to feel the way it may feel but you have no idea how they feel. Each of us aren't even feeling the same way and personally, I don't want to burden anyone. That's sounds silly, but it's true. I feel like the first couple weeks after Mags died, all I could do was talk. Now...I don't want to, I can't, I am just...quiet. I don't want to make people sad. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. For those who know me, I am pretty chatty. Pretty perky. I try to add humor to pretty much everything. Now, I am probably a downer and that sucks. I don't want to be a downer.
Mary Kate just turned 19. She is the first one of us to celebrate a birthday since Mags died. It was awesome to celebrate something happy. I loved thinking of my time with her growing up, playing and juggling 3 kids all 2 years apart. I was happy to celebrate my sweet MK. I was a little sad though. There would be no fight to keep Mags from destroying Kate's cake. No keeping Maggie away from sitting on Kate as she tried to open her gifts. It was, what some may call, a "normal" birthday. That was not a normal birthday party for us. I never said I was sad because we weren't all present. Mary Kate actually was the one to say it out loud as a tear ran down her cheek. I was proud that she said it. It was her day and for her to say, "I miss Maggie", crushed my heart and made me happy at the same time. She has words. I love that she said what's on her mind.
I am apart of a wonderful group of families that rally together to love on 1 specific family annually that has a child battling an life altering illness. This is the I Run for Jonah. Jonah lost his life on April 7, 2010 to congenital heart disease. At that time, I taught at Central and a wonderful group of teachers who organized a Run that would raise money for the Hoser family. It was amazing. Every year since then, Kim, Jonah's mom, has chosen a family to raise money for and celebrate. We have had 6 families celebrated so far. This year will be our seventh. This year, our sweet I Run kiddo, Allie, passed away this past week. I have no words for the sadness I feel for her family. I know that Allie has no more pain. I am overjoyed for that, but for the people she leaves behind, the battle has just begun.
We will support Allie's family. We will forever be connected. There may be lost words but the love, sadness, and support I give will be forever and strong. This is one reason I love the Hoser family. For me, Kim was the first person I called when I found out that Maggie had epilepsy and was in the hospital. She was also one of the first people I called to tell her that Maggie had passed away. There are people in your life that you may not see on a daily basis, but you will forever be connected to. I feel like this about my friend Kim. I don't need to have the right words when I see her. Sometimes I just hug her and that says everything I need to communicate.
Yesterday, I attended a celebration of donation. The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center and Lifeline of Ohio teamed up for their annual Pinwheel Planting. Over 8500 pinwheels were planted in honor of the transplants that have occurred at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. I was excited to attend and be apart of the volunteer group for Lifeline of Ohio. As I mentioned before, Lifeline has been apart of MY Lifeline since Maggie's death. We chose for Maggie to be an organ, tissue and eye donor. One of the best decisions I have ever made. Any way, I didn't think it would be a sad event. How could someone be sad at a pinwheel planting event? Well, I was. As I put the first pinwheel in, in Maggie's honor, the tears started flowing. I couldn't stop. I started to get mad. I wanted my sweet Maggie to be there to help me. Now, don't get me wrong, for those who knew Mags, would know that she would have been NO help! She would have plopped right down in the middle of that grassy planting area and started pulling those pinwheels out! She would have been covered in mud. I have made new friends through Lifeline that I will be connected to forever. They are an amazing group of people and I love them like family. I feel bad because I was crying. I felt selfish. There are no words to say how much I miss my kid.
I do have some words to finish this up. First, I want people to register to be an organ, donor, and eye donor. https://lifelineofohio.org/become-a-donor/how-to-register/ It's so important to realize people have the chance to save a life. Even when you can't save the ones you love the most, you can make the decision to save someone else. Wow! That's powerful stuff. I know Mag's legacy lives on through donation and research. Second, I want people to register for the I Run for Jonah race by going to https://runsignup.com/Race/OH/Pickerington/iRunforJonah . Lastly, LOVE! Love deeply, love often, and try to love everyone.
I've been registered for a long time. I hope someone gets to use what I have after I don't need it anymore.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean by quiet. After my Mom died, I got quiet for several months. Sometimes it just feels like your lips are glued together. Your face feels like a mask you are wearing everyday. And it's ok.