Bitterness.  I think this is the word I want to use. This week I have felt a little bitter.   I have prayed not to be bitter, but it has been a struggle this week.  I have prayed to be filled with God's patience and love.  I am taking time to be quiet.  This is really important for me because it's really hard for me, because my mind is like a race track.  

I started wondering if people think my life is easier, now that Maggie has passed away. I have even wondered if people see Maggie's passing less devastating than a "typical" or healthy child of her age.  This sounds terrible, but I have felt this for the last couple of weeks.  Why?  I don't know.

I started setting goals for myself.  I met one goal 2 weeks in a row.  Get myself out of bed and to work everyday.  Easier said than done, but I did it.  I am bitter because I have to fight to hold it together at work.  I am bitter at myself for crying at work.  I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable around me. I am bitter because I don't want to have to set these mini goals to get through the day.

I think I always battled the feeling of bitterness when doing day to day life with Maggie. For example,  I would become bitter when parents talked about birthday parties, sleepovers, or events their kiddos were invited too.  I hope I never showed this toward anyone, but I was a little bitter.  My feelings were hurt.  Maggie was awesome!  Who wouldn't want to be around her to celebrate or have fun? In Maggie's 16 years, she was invited to 1 birthday party of a classmate.  That was when she was in the 4th grade.  I was overjoyed!

So, what's the point?  Bitterness gets you nowhere.  I am aware of it.  I don't want it to consume me.  I will continue to ask God for guidance, strength and forgiveness. I will continue to try and spread kindness and love to people I encounter on a daily basis.  I will talk about Maggie, look at her pictures, and share my memories with people.
...Peace, love and happiness.