Struggling

Struggling.

I been struggling lately.  Struggling to focus at work.  Struggling to be a good dad.  Struggling to be a good husband, friend, man.  Just struggling to keep it together at times.  I am surprised at how this grieving process takes its toll.  Close friends going through the same process said to me the pain really doesn’t go away but you learn to deal with it.  They lost their daughter to a drunk driver.  Their daughter happened to be one of my closest friends and co-maid of honor for my wedding.  We lost Katie five months prior to our wedding.  The loss was devastating to me.  I still miss her dearly.  The memorial for her death was this past weekend.  I tried my best to think of the good times we had over the years and the joy she brought into my life but it became mixed with the thoughts of loss.  It brought back so much pain and reminded me of the loss of my daughter Mags.

The pain screws up my head.  At times I feel I should just get over it and move on.  But then I feel guilty like I am turning my back on them and their memory.  Such a big part of my life is now gone.  The routine I knew so well and embraced has changed.  It is hard to find the new “normal.”  I feel guilty planning things we never had the chance to do in the past.  It just doesn’t seem right.  It makes me really sad.

Our family motto of “it is what it is” hits home.  I can’t bring Kate or Mags back and to ask for that would be so self-indulgent and greedy.  They are with God and experiencing incomprehensible joy every day.  I can only look forward.  I feel like if I dwell in the past and keep reliving the pain of their loss I am just wasting time.  That thought alone makes me feel guilty again.  It is a Catch-22, I feel guilty not thinking about them but I feel trapped in grief when I do.  It is not every day but it happens more frequently than I thought it would. 

I struggle as I can’t think my way out of this one and it truly comes down to control.  I want to control what happens.  I want to control my feelings and I can’t.  That sense of no control over the circumstances is maddening.  Here is what I do know and what I am beginning to see as I live through this.  I need to let go of the control and just feel.  If I want to cry, cry.  If I want to rejoice, I will rejoice.  It is funny how one picture of Mags on my desk can elicit both emotions in the same day hours apart from one another.

I was reading the Good Book in Philippians 4 and came upon verses 6 and 7.  It says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guide your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”  I tell Jesus I want peace.  I want the pain to go away.  I thank him for the 16 years I got to spend with Maggie.  I thank him for my beautiful wife and my awesome kids Dan and Kate.  I thank him for being with my children when I can’t be there.  I fully accepted Christ as my savior and can take joy in the fact Mags did the same.  She is with the Creator, my Heavenly Father.  My thoughts tell me God’s answer.  He says, “She is with Me.  She needs no more.  There is no pain.  There is no sickness.  There is only overwhelming love and joy.  She is carved in the palm of my hand.  She is home.” 

To know my daughter and my dear friend Katie are surrounded by His love, fills my heart.  I still get sad and frustrated but a thought keeps entering my mind.  It is a picture of joy.  I keep remembering a time this past summer when I was on the beach playing in the sand with Maggie.   My wife Kathy and kids Dan and Kate were playing in the ocean in front of me.  I couldn’t help but thank God for everything in front of me.  The beautiful daughter that sat in my lap.  The smell of her sandy hair.  The wonderful wife that is well above my pay grade.  The two awesome kids jumping the ocean's waves.  The beautiful ocean.  The soft sand.  The sunshine warming my face.  I can picture that day.  I can practically relive it with tears in my eyes right now.  Then I feel that stir in my heart.  I picture that and believe Maggie is feeling the same love and joy every second of every day until the end of time.  That helps melt away my grief and sadness.  I guess that is one small way I am trying to leave it in God’s hand.