Naming the loss...

My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow. Job 17:7

It has been more than a year and a half since putting my grief into writing.  This past week I had daily reminders to speak my grief out loud.  I have tried so hard to not speak of my grief but to cover it with love and sunshine.

Since Maggie's passing, I have worked hard to find a "place" to focus or put my "Maggie Energy".  For those who knew Mags, she was a 16-year beauty who never spoke a word, could not take care of herself, and solely relied on others to survive.  Mags had nurses to help her when Scott and I were at work and they made sure she was cared for like she was their own.  She smiled at everyone she came into contact with. Maggie even would go up to strangers and try to sit on them if they were seated.  She accepted everyone unconditionally. November 19, 2016, comes along and our world changed.  In a way, it stopped. 

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

For me, I feel like I have been a shadow trying to do what I know I need to do. After Maggie died, I jumped right into volunteering with Lifeline of Ohio and Nationwide Children's Hospital. I knew I had to speak her name and talk about the journey we were now apart of. My focus changed, instead of focusing on navigating through the special education world, I tried to focus on teaching people about Maggie's love.  I am still trying to spread the love of life she gave. The longer she is gone, the harder it is becoming to go out and volunteer.  It hurts my heart and I can't always emotionally manage it. Speaking about this loss of life becomes...awkward.  People don't want to hear that I lost my youngest child to SUDEP (the sudden, unexpected death of someone with epilepsy). It's a bummer. Unfortunately, it is apart of my story.  It is apart of me and it will always be.  I need to figure out how to revive my love of volunteering around parents and children who are medically fragile like Mags was.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

So why now speak this about my grief again? Is it this quarantine we are all in?  Maybe.  All I know that I try to stay busy. I try to stay busy like a lot of others, to keep my mind and heart off of other things (grief).  I can't conceal my sorrow of Maggie's death now that I can't be in the classroom and a school full of people I love. It has been discouraging and this time has uncovered my rawest wound. The death of my child.

 For the longest time, I couldn't even say she died.  I would say "she passed away".  It was easier for me to hear that, but I could not say the D-word.  So I guess now, for me to write "she died", I am maybe making some progress.

 So here I am naming my loss.  I am speaking the words that I grieve eternally.  Thankfully I have a close group of friends and family that listen to my words and can notice the look on my face and they just know what I am feeling. They know I need to talk about my sadness-about Maggie.  It's not always sadness.  Sometimes I am just plain mad.    I say "THANK YOU".  Thank you for letting me be mad that my sweet Mags is gone.  Thank you for knowing that she too would be graduating from high school. Thank you for sharing pictures when you come across them.  Thank you for wearing our Magpie Fund shirts.  I am thankful for all of you.

My eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you. Psalms 88:9

We all experience loss.  We should talk about more. Thank you, Jake and Grace Fellowship, for calling me to speak my loss.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4