We are going on month 9! It's been 9 months without kisses or being plopped down upon when we least expected it. It's been 9 months without Maggie's dirty stinky feet, that I loved so much, in my face when we sit on the couch. 9 months without shopping for cute clothes and shoes for the best-dressed kid in town. ... We are learning to adjust....Learning to live a new kind of normal.
Grief is exhausting. Some stages go by quick and others seem to never end. I kind of feel like I am stuck in one of the stages. I feel like I am stuck in Pain and Guilt with a dash of reconstruction. The reconstruction for me is trying to get up each day, plan for my new job (kindergarten teacher :), meeting new people, and organizing Maggie's, Memorial Fund. I am trying to push the weight of pain off! I am weak. I am tired but I ask God for strength. I can't imagine what I would do without God. Proverbs14:13
Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and rejoicing may end in grief.
It's hard to think about others when you are fighting an internal battle such as grief. Scott and I need to pour our love into others. We are working on getting Maggie's Memorial, the Magpie Fund, up and running under the umbrella of the Fairfield County Foundation. We are trying to use our grief and really look at our family unit and apply it to families like ours. Scott and I want to focus on siblings of those living with kids with disabilities. Having children is expensive but having a child with extensive medical needs or special needs is really expensive and sometimes these kiddo's brothers and sisters miss out on stuff they really want to do but can't because of the ill/disabled sibling. Our MagPie Fund will be open to these siblings. We want kids to apply for the Magpie Fund by writing an essay. Dan and Mary Kate will help read these essays and determine who receives the scholarship fund. These sibs can use the funds for camps, classes, or other ways to make their lives a little more joyful. Dan and Kate will also sit on the board and help us make decisions on raising funds for the foundation.
Within my new normal, I have switched schools and grade levels. As many of you know, I really needed to change things up professionally. I need to take the time to "protect" myself a little. I am protecting myself by stepping away from the world of special education. I love the world of special education. I love being an advocate for kids and families. I love the legal side of it. I love finding resources for families that didn't cost anyone a thing. I loved fighting the fight. Maggie was the reason I went into special education. I never wanted another parent to feel the way I did in Maggie's first (academic) meetings. But, without her, I feel like a car missing a wheel. I need to repair the missing wheel somehow.
I sat in a training at Lifeline of Ohio, Monday night, that helped us develop our stories about organ, tissue, eye donation. Some of us shared our stories and received feedback. One of the suggestions I received was to remember to protect myself. Step back, re-evaluate, and protect my memory of Maggie. Immediately I thought, I love talking about Maggie. This is one of my protection strategies. Everyone will think I am fine if I talk about my sweet Maggie. I love talking about the love and sunshine she gave to everyone she met. It puts a huge smile on my face thinking about the joy she gave and continues to give. How could I still apply this to my career though? How could I continue working in special education? I think I finally understand. Stepping away from the world of special education is a way to protect me.
I love this time of year, but it has been a rough couple of weeks. I love the hustle and bustle of getting the kids ready to go back to college and frantically trying to gather paperwork from doctors for school so Mag's could eat/be fed or be taken care of at school. This year, Dan is on a mission trip and won't be back for a week and Mary Kate moves out on Saturday. There is no rushing around to get all of Maggie's medical forms completed and make sure her teachers and nurses are comfortable with the school schedule. I don't get ANY of it this year, never again. Sounds crazy. Most people don't like the craziness, but I thrived on it.
One of my favorite things to do is, shop. I loved to shop with Mags. She never argued with me and didn't mind me holding things up to her to see how it would look. Not bad for a 16-year-old teenager. MK has gone out with me a few times but she knows it's hard for me. I have triggers. I have a hard time seeing people shopping with their children, especially those with disabilities. I am jealous, angry, and I have to leave. I struggle seeing parents of special needs children shopping for school stuff. I try to stay out of certain stores because it's too hard to see families shopping for school clothes and supplies. I don't know, I sound selfish. Normal? I hope not.
I think I am in between 2 stages of grief. At night I have a reoccurring dream that Mags and I are at my mom's house and I am saving her life. I save her, then she dies again. It happens over and over again. Before I wake up, she dies or I can't find her. Terrible dream. I hate it. I definitely don't want this a part of my new normal. I want good dreams of her. I want a visit. All in due time...
I do know something, that something is, that I miss my girl. I miss her being outside with me. Digging in the dirt, eating mulch, or laying in the grass with her face in the sun. I miss sitting in our swing, singing our silly songs or listening to daddy play guitar. I embed her in every part of my day that I can. I keep a framed picture, of my sweet girl, beside my bed, so when I roll over her sweet face and bright eyes. I feel like she is saying, "Get up Mom". It motivates me to get out of bed and start the day. I wear my Maggie necklace every day and take her everywhere I go. I decorated my kindergarten classroom with sock monkeys and cute colors because of her. Whatever I can do to make me feel like she is still with me, I do. Sad... but a new normal.
Good things happen. Bad things happen. Making good of the bad is key. I think it's pretty cool that we have parents in our community who have had children pass a way and decide to raise money, gather toys and supplies and give to others in need. I think it is absolutely amazing.
I feel like my mom friends (you know who you are) have our own little society. We cry, we may even hide but in the end, we can't be silenced. We may shout, cheer and yes, even fundraise for the good of others. We will show others that grief can empower good. God wants us to continue. Once again, we ask for strength, listen, and move forward. A new normal is having extra time. I will jump in with both feet and do something good with this thing called grief.
And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.
I hope part of my new normal is having people continue to come and openly talk about my Maggie. I love it when they send me an old picture of her doing something super cute. I loved when people who don't know me but when they find out I am Maggie's mom, they tell me how sweet she was and well dressed. I love hearing stories about her. I love people saying "I never knew her, but I wish I did".
We need people to...Say her name! Say it loud! Speak it often! And whatever you do, please don't ever forget her! Maggie!
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