No better place…
Been a while…I have felt a lot of ups and downs over the
last six months since Maggie passed. I
have had good days where memories come back and put a smile on my face and bad
days where the memories suffocate me with grief and make it had to get through
the day. I have found tears come a lot
easier to me now-a-days. I get choked up
when I used to feel free and comfortable.
I may even be a little more quiet at times than before. This grieving process sucks.
There are good memories which make me laugh when I think of
Mags and things she used to do. To hear
her laugh with a quick tickle to her leg would always lift me up when I would
get home after a hard day at work. To watch her try to keep her
eyes open while listening to me play guitar and sing at the foot of her bed would close
my night with a feeling of comfort and strength in providing security to my
little girl. To sit on the swing with
her as she sat on my lap and mashed her head into my chin gave me feelings of a
loving embrace in Mags own way. To watch
her cuddle with her mom on the love seat at night brought feelings of
completeness. To watch that from across the room
was a true joy. To not be able to watch,
see and hear those things is discomforting and unsettling. I simply feel numb at times.
I have caught myself at work having these random thoughts of
Mags which come at awkward times. I can
be in the middle of a phone call/meeting and start thinking of her smile. I lose my train of thought and try to shake
it but just can’t sometimes. It causes
that numb feeling to come back. That
feeling of missing something and not being able to find it. It is frustrating.
I think I posted it before but it resounds in
me time and again, an aching broken heart is a
heart that has loved. It is true but I
never thought the ache would be so deep or last so long. I keep trying to remind myself she is in Heaven. What an awesome place to be! Seated with God and in His loving
embrace. The selfish me just wants her
back. I just want a hug, a smile, a
laugh. Seeing a video just isn't enough.
I have been trying to embrace God’s beauty this year. I’m trying to see the things he provides to
us every day we take for granted and don’t regularly appreciate. Yesterday I saw a beautiful red bird on our front
stoop. His bright red feathers, orange
beak and black highlights. The sun was
rising and his colors were lit up by the morning light. He hopped around and then jumped out of
sight. I wanted him to come back into
view so I could admire him more but to no avail he stayed to the side. It made me think of my Magpie. Just out of view but not gone. Just out of reach but still there. It eased my pain.
Recently I got to see a dedication ceremony in the honor of my daughter and another beautiful young woman who lost her battle with cancer. Her nickname was Lu. What an awesome girl and what a loving family themselves. The students and teachers at Pickerington North High School sold t-shirts and had fundraisers to save money up for a garden and couples swing for their courtyard. At the dedication I got to meet Mags' teachers and her fellow classmates. I have to say I was deeply moved at their sincerity and love for my family as well as Lu's. A community of people who surrounded us with love yet again and a gesture to show the impact Maggie had on so many lives. I walked by the courtyard several hours after the dedication and saw a group of high school kids just hanging out on the swing. I heard their laughs and saw smiles on their faces. It reminded me of how much Maggie just loved to swing and how happy and content it made her. What a good memory. What a loving memory. It warmed my heart. That dedication provided me a bright light in my continuing struggle to come to grips with this change and loss.
Recently I got to see a dedication ceremony in the honor of my daughter and another beautiful young woman who lost her battle with cancer. Her nickname was Lu. What an awesome girl and what a loving family themselves. The students and teachers at Pickerington North High School sold t-shirts and had fundraisers to save money up for a garden and couples swing for their courtyard. At the dedication I got to meet Mags' teachers and her fellow classmates. I have to say I was deeply moved at their sincerity and love for my family as well as Lu's. A community of people who surrounded us with love yet again and a gesture to show the impact Maggie had on so many lives. I walked by the courtyard several hours after the dedication and saw a group of high school kids just hanging out on the swing. I heard their laughs and saw smiles on their faces. It reminded me of how much Maggie just loved to swing and how happy and content it made her. What a good memory. What a loving memory. It warmed my heart. That dedication provided me a bright light in my continuing struggle to come to grips with this change and loss.
My parting thought may be a weird one but it has weighed on my chest and I can't help but share it. I can easily say I no longer fear the thought of death. I am saved by my Lord Jesus Christ. I look at my own pain and suffering but still I can only imagine the pain and suffering he
endured to save me. I can only imagine
the loneliness he felt on the cross when he cried out, “My God, My God why have
you forsaken Me.” That utter feeling of
loss and loneliness. The sacrifice He
knowingly made. The sacrifice that saved
my Magpie. The sacrifice which will
allow me to see her again in eternity. I
am trying my best to surround myself in God’s grace and mercy to help me fight
through these feeling of loss and numbness.
It is hard but when I think about the cross, its meaning and the
sacrifice He knowingly made, the pain fades.
To know Mags is with God…no better place.