No Better Place

No better place…

Been a while…I have felt a lot of ups and downs over the last six months since Maggie passed.  I have had good days where memories come back and put a smile on my face and bad days where the memories suffocate me with grief and make it had to get through the day.  I have found tears come a lot easier to me now-a-days.  I get choked up when I used to feel free and comfortable.  I may even be a little more quiet at times than before.  This grieving process sucks.

There are good memories which make me laugh when I think of Mags and things she used to do.  To hear her laugh with a quick tickle to her leg would always lift me up when I would get home after a hard day at work.  To watch her try to keep her eyes open while listening to me play guitar and sing at the foot of her bed would close my night with a feeling of comfort and strength in providing security to my little girl.  To sit on the swing with her as she sat on my lap and mashed her head into my chin gave me feelings of a loving embrace in Mags own way.  To watch her cuddle with her mom on the love seat at night brought feelings of completeness.  To watch that from across the room was a true joy.  To not be able to watch, see and hear those things is discomforting and unsettling.  I simply feel numb at times.

I have caught myself at work having these random thoughts of Mags which come at awkward times.  I can be in the middle of a phone call/meeting and start thinking of her smile.  I lose my train of thought and try to shake it but just can’t sometimes.  It causes that numb feeling to come back.  That feeling of missing something and not being able to find it.  It is frustrating.

I think I posted it before but it resounds in me time and again, an aching broken heart is a heart that has loved.  It is true but I never thought the ache would be so deep or last so long.  I keep trying to remind myself she is in Heaven.  What an awesome place to be!  Seated with God and in His loving embrace.  The selfish me just wants her back.  I just want a hug, a smile, a laugh.  Seeing a video just isn't enough.

I have been trying to embrace God’s beauty this year.  I’m trying to see the things he provides to us every day we take for granted and don’t regularly appreciate.  Yesterday I saw a beautiful red bird on our front stoop.  His bright red feathers, orange beak and black highlights.  The sun was rising and his colors were lit up by the morning light.  He hopped around and then jumped out of sight.  I wanted him to come back into view so I could admire him more but to no avail he stayed to the side.  It made me think of my Magpie.  Just out of view but not gone.  Just out of reach but still there.  It eased my pain. 

Recently I got to see a dedication ceremony in the honor of my daughter and another beautiful young woman who lost her battle with cancer.  Her nickname was Lu.  What an awesome girl and what a loving family themselves.  The students and teachers at Pickerington North High School sold t-shirts and had fundraisers to save money up for a garden and couples swing for their courtyard.  At the dedication I got to meet Mags' teachers and her fellow classmates.  I have to say I was deeply moved at their sincerity and love for my family as well as Lu's.  A community of people who surrounded us with love yet again and a gesture to show the impact Maggie had on so many lives.  I walked by the courtyard several hours after the dedication and saw a group of high school kids just hanging out on the swing.  I heard their laughs and saw smiles on their faces.  It reminded me of how much Maggie just loved to swing and how happy and content it made her.  What a good memory.  What a loving memory.  It warmed my heart.  That dedication provided me a bright light in my continuing struggle to come to grips with this change and loss.  

My parting thought may be a weird one but it has weighed on my chest and I can't help but share it.  I can easily say I no longer fear the thought of death.  I am saved by my Lord Jesus Christ.  I look at my own pain and suffering but still I can only imagine the pain and suffering he endured to save me.  I can only imagine the loneliness he felt on the cross when he cried out, “My God, My God why have you forsaken Me.”  That utter feeling of loss and loneliness.  The sacrifice He knowingly made.  The sacrifice that saved my Magpie.  The sacrifice which will allow me to see her again in eternity.  I am trying my best to surround myself in God’s grace and mercy to help me fight through these feeling of loss and numbness.  It is hard but when I think about the cross, its meaning and the sacrifice He knowingly made, the pain fades.  To know Mags is with God…no better place.