Rambling thoughts on Why versus What?, a family motto and three quotes

 

Rambling thoughts on Why? versus What?, a family motto and three quotes.

So I saw this post the other day on the LGS Facebook page.  It was from a woman named Julie who was celebrating her daughters 16^th birthday.  She was not complaining at all.  She was venting and frustrated as she sees all these other sweet sixteen posts with kids getting their first car and holding up car keys.  She acknowledged her daughter would never own a car or drive.  I don’t think she was mad at others for celebrating their lives.  I think she was saddened and discouraged with her daughter’s inability to live the “normal” life.  I wrote to her and let her know my thoughts.  I hoped she understood the sacrifices she made in the past and present were gifts.  Her daughter was and is appreciative for those gifts.  Julie is the true gift to her daughter.  Her daughter can see, hear and sense the love of her mom.  You don’t need a car, new dress, or a new toy to celebrate that.  This exchange made me think of our struggles with this same issue.  Hopefully, this entry to the blog will help you walk through my thought process to and explain the struggle Julie and most parents of handicapped kids go through.

Why her?

The question Why?  It can be a tough one to tackle.  I look at it two ways.  First, there is the scientific side.  Why did this happen to my child?  Why epilepsy?  Why LGS?  It is a question we have to ask to get help.  It helps us find a diagnosis, the proper meds to control the disorder, develop a treatment plan, etc.  The “why” inherently leads to the what, where, when and how.

Second, there is the question we ask of God.  Why my daughter?  Why us?  Why me?  I struggled with this early on in our journey with Maggie.  It lead me down a path of anger, hatred, despair, and frustration.  I was angry with God.  I told Him to look at what He had done to my beautiful family.  Look at the pain He caused?  She is so little and innocent, where is Your mercy?  Why did You load this weight onto her…onto us?  It was a maddening process with lots of tears.  Through my experience I have come to realize they were fruitless questions.  I gained no solace from them.  

The A-ha Moment

I almost missed the beauty of it all and the path God had chosen for me.  I quit church, I quit God.  I felt like He turned His back on my daughter and me.  I saw her sickness, her seizures, and her put into a medical coma.  I saw regression, sadness and frustration in her eyes.  How dare He do this Mags?  How wrong I was.  There was no lightning bolt moment for me but God spoke to me.  I can’t recall a specific moment or event that happened but I did received my answer from Him.  His answer to all my “why” questions was so simple.  It was a game changer.  It significantly impacted my life.  God said, “Yes, He made her, she is beautiful as she is and He picked me to care for her.  He wanted me to be part of her beautiful life.  A brief life but one full of love, caring, hope and joy.  He picked me.

It is what it is…

There is a sign that hangs in our house that says, “It is what it is.”  It is a creed our family started to live by after several years with Maggie.  Maggie was made the way she was and there was no changing that.  There is true beauty in it.  It says in the book of Genesis 1:27 “God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.”  God made Maggie the way she was in His image.  He knew what she would endure and the life she would live.  God also knew the two parents to whom He would lend her.  He picked OG and me.  Out of all the people on God’s green Earth (about 7.5 billion), he picked us.  That’s not a curse.  My friends that is a blessing.  Two in 7.5 billion!  You are almost 43 times more likely to hit the Mega Millions lottery (1 in 175 million chance) than be blessed with a child who needs more help than others.  Looking back on her life, I would easily give up 43 lotteries to live those 16 years again.  I wouldn’t blink once.  So I stopped asking “Why?”

Start quickly with What not Why?

I came to realize asking the “why” questions was silly and selfish.  It lead to a path of despair.  It was better to ask “what” questions.  Not like Little John the rapper who apparently can’t hear well, but much more proactive.  The best one…what can I do?  This took me from being passive and just getting by to active and living life with her.  What can I do to make her life better?  Get active. 

What did Maggie like?  I know Maggie liked to dance with her daddy and spin around.  She loved to do the pretzel.  I know she loved when I came home, immediately hugged and tickled her while singing out loud silly welcome home songs.  I know she loved to hear me play guitar and sing JJ Heller songs when she went to bed.  Your Hands and The Boat Song were favorites.  I know she loved to jump on the trampoline.  I know she loved to play in the dirt.  I know she loved the sun.  I know she loved to swing.  I know she loved to pace on our deck regardless of the weather.  We figured all this out by asking “what” rather than “why” and got busying living life rather than watching it go by.

What can I do to help her live life to her fullest?

Fight.  We fought every day and included her in everything possible.  We didn’t limit her and what she was involved in.  Maggie didn’t have great skill at staying on her feet for a long time and needed assistance but she went snow skiing, tubing, parasailing, rode a jet ski, rode on a scooter, enjoyed sledding, walked the beach, dug in the sand, swam in the ocean, rode roller coasters, jumped in pools, ran in a marathon, won the state Special Olympics in the softball throw for her age group, went down big water slides, went canoeing, and drank a lot of water she shouldn’t have along the way.  Maggie lived life and taught me the joy of taking pleasure in the little things, the small achievements. 

All for one.

If a place/event didn’t adapt to Mags, we left as a family.  No one stayed behind.  We were a unit.  We took the Musketeer’s slogan to heart…all for one and one for all.  As a parent of a handicapped kid you don’t expect special treatment.  You just want the “same” treatment.  You would be amazed at the stares, glaring, and under the breath comments of others which become normal.  I ignored those most of the time but I had a bad day now and then.  There was no need to feel guilty because we couldn’t hurry or rush to put others at ease.  It simply took us more time to check in/out, get in/out of the car/store, eat, dress, shop, etc.  We were a little sloppier at the dinner table or a little louder when quiet was preferred.  We were never ashamed of who we were.  As a parent to a handicapped kid I took rest in the fact my family was strong.  I took pride in my family and how we stood together.  We gave more, bled more, struggled more, but most importantly we loved more.  We gave grace when it was undeserved and provided an example of true love when caring for Maggie in public.  I know there are many other families going through the same issues we went through and God bless them all.  They know what true love is.

Suck It!

The occasional bad day does get you down.  I would be kidding everyone if I said we were always positive and the world around us was great and loving.  We had another motto we followed when faced with a crummy situation with glares, stares, unfair policies and handicap alienation.  The motto was they can “Suck It.”  Yeah, not the most couth saying but it gets to the heart of the matter.  If you don’t accept us, you can “Suck It.”  We will go on without you.  It stinks but it happens, even in church.  Of all places I figured we would find acceptance, the least likely place I thought I would get push back would be in a church.  Mags could get loud.  She liked to verbalize and sing her own songs.  She was nonverbal (couldn’t put words together) but her voice was beautiful.  Her laugh was contagious.  She just didn’t have the tact most of us take for granted.  Mags like to sing when others sung in church.  She was moved by Jesus and loved to lift up her voice to God as much as anyone else.  Her timing was just off a little.  I can remember being asked several times to take her into the baby cry room because she was being loud.  I was shocked, demoralized and horrified my church would have the tenacity to alienate her.  I really couldn’t picture Jesus standing on a mount, stopping his sermon and saying, “Hey, you there.  The one with the unruly child.  You are disturbing those around you.  Please remove yourself to a place more appropriate so others can hear me clearly.”  I picture Jesus saying, “Rejoice in her, accept her celebration, those of you who want to hear more clearly come closer but know her presence is just as important as yours.”  Needless to say, we voiced our dismay but were told that is why they designed and had those rooms.   We left the church after several years of faithful devotion and found another.  One that embraced us fully, asked what we needed, adapted to our needs, changed its way of thinking, and embraced us all.  A big shout out, church clap and Amen to Grace Fellowship and its pursuit of God’s love for all!!!

Moral of this post

If I need to summarize my rambling thoughts above, I guess the following three quotes summarize it best. 

1 - Redd from The Shawshank Redemption said it best, “Get busy living.”  Stop asking why me and start asking what can I do.   

2 – Yoda from Star Wars said, “Try not.  DO or do not.  There is no try.”  You asked the question and got the answer now put your plan in motion and live your life as fully as you can with your kid involved in anything they can do.  Love what they can do and try not to focus on what they can’t do.  Take joy in their small accomplishments.

3 – Teddy Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”  It can be frustrating with the limitations of what your kid can and can’t do.  But you have the ability to let them experience new things regardless of their abilities. 

Most kiddos have five full senses.  They can see, hear, feel, smell, and taste.  But I think there is a sixth sense.  The sense of love.  Feed that sense the most.  Feed it with experiences with you.  They know when you are near.  They know your voice.  They know your touch.  They know your smell.  Let them experience the world through you and let the world know them.  Then the world may catch up and love others the way you do.

1/27/17

What do I do with my time? My "Maggie" time?

   So, last time I wrote, I talked about how time affected me.  Now that Mags is gone, my use of time has changed.  I have begun to reach out to organizations that Maggie has been involved with or apart of over the last 16 years.  I still need to be connected to these organizations.  What are these? Well, you all know that Nationwide Children's Hospital has been a frequent hangout for our family.  Some may think, "Thank goodness, you don't have to go there anymore.  There are a lot of bad memories there."  Well, true. Here is the thing.  There are still people fighting for there kids.  Fighting for their kid's lives.  I want to help these families.  I will always be Maggie's voice.  I will always be Maggie's mom.  I need to continue sharing Maggie's love through helping others.

 Recently, I reached out to Children's about joining their Faculty as Family group and joining their advisory board. These are a couple of ways that parents can help staff.  I will probably be out of my league, but one of Mag's doctors said it may be a good way for me to continue advocating. So, I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and get involved at a different level.
I signed you to read to kiddos at Children's Hospital.  I am excited to do this too.  I am hoping that I get to ready with kiddos on the epilepsy ward.

Another organization that I signed up to volunteer for is Lifeline of Ohio.  If you don't know, Scott and I chose for Maggie to be a organ, tissue, and eye donor.  What better way to help others.  I am an organ donor. Scott is an organ donor.  We felt that Mag's would insist in organ and tissue donation.  Best decision.  Why?  We received a letter a few weeks back from Lifeline explaining how Maggie's cornea went to 2 men in New Zealand.  They can now see because of Maggie!  Wow! The gift of sight!  We will continue getting updates about how Maggie's donations are giving life.
So, I want to help spread the word that organ and tissue donation saves lives! I want to help educate people about this.  I think the gift of life is amazing! I am so overjoyed to think that Maggie is helping others see, learn, and live.

I feel that I did pretty well this week.  Everyday is hard, but I know that God is with me every step of the way.  He fills me up and leads me.  I start and end my day with Him.  It is part of my daily agenda. I am still, I listen, and I am thankful. I couldn't do this without Him.  So, right now I am focused on using this grief to help others.  This is what I hear from God.  I have faith and I am trying to do what He says.  What can you do?  Are you listening?

Please consider registering as a organ, tissue, and eye donor.  https://lifelineofohio.org/become-a-donor/how-to-register/

Time...

1/20/17

So, it's been a solid 2 months and yes, I am still counting.  I don't want to count but, I am. For 16 years, time controlled me.  I feel a little differently then I did with Dan and MK. I have learned to stop looking at the clock every 2-3 hours but, I moved to counting days. Days gone. 

Time is important to most of us.  We have to be at work at a certain time.  We have deadlines.  We have to meet a friend for lunch at a certain time.  Time, time time. 
I miss time.  I miss our snuggling time.  I miss our shopping time.  I miss our time on the swing listening to your dad play his guitar to us.  I miss time with you.
I don't want to screw up time either. I don't want to be sad.  I don't want to be mad.  I don't want to start crying in the middle of a professional development, a restaurant, or a store. 

Here's what I want.  I want people to love each other.  I want people to look for the good in each day.  I want people to look up, breathe deep, and say "thank you".  I want our educational system to see the importance in growing the whole child and not just the "perfect number". 
Maybe I am unrealistic but, I don't think I am.  I think if I spread love and happiness, then someone in turn will do the same.  Maggie did this.  She loved.  She loved with her eyes.  She loved with her everything she was.  
So, I guess what I need to say is take time to love more, love deep, and love often. Love the time you have and use it wisely.

The best laid plans, post-it note brains, Maggie’s first seizures and the point to the story…

The best laid plans, post-it note brains, Maggie’s first seizures and the point to the story…

Preface

I want to preface this story with the comment that it is long.  It is also mostly sad but informative on what families go through when they find out their child is initially diagnosed with epilepsy.  It is also back story for future posts that I have planned.  To use a Star Wars movie analogy, it is like the Empire Strikes Back movie (my favorite by the way).  It fills in detail about our lives that will help you understand my perspective on living life, the handicapped, the siblings/parents/relatives of the handicapped, caretakers, nurses, doctors, the medical field in general, Lennox Gastaut Syndrome and epilepsy.

Plans

Plans...oh we made plans.  I am a CPA but I swear I’m not a nerd.  If you saw me on the street you would not guess I was a finance guy.  You would guess I was a fat out of work bouncer.  Regardless, my past as a practicing CPA gives you a clue that my mind works like a filing cabinet.  It likes prioritized lists, rows, columns, and to do’s.  I am a pretty linear guy and I like order with a little chaos sprinkled in but mainly I like order.  To me, plans lead to order, a good time and success.  

Post-it note brain

My wife (Kathy, my O'Reilly Girl "OG") is a post-it note brain.  She mainly likes good times in the midst of the chaos surrounding her.  She is awesome, a true multitasker.  I once saw her catch a glass of milk from falling off a table with the bottom of her foot with a kid in each arm.  Super woman!  As Judah Smith once described his way of thinking, Kathy’s brain is full of Post-its.  All the Post-its have scribbles on them and the scribbles are all highlighted in different neon colors.  Her Post-its also have glitter on them.  Anyway, her Post-its also have plans written on them as well.  Mine look like organized color coded pie charts and graphs. 

Plans you make

We planned for the kids college (not well enough, college is way too expensive), we planned for our deaths (wills were drawn up and a trust established to take care of Maggie), we planned for our retirement (met with a broker and financial planner and established goals).  We tried our best to organize what we could but knew you just can’t plan for everything.  Maggie taught us that every day.  We knew we were in it for the long haul with Maggie from the get-go.

Plans can stall

When we were told we were going to have our third kiddo we were really excited.  We couldn't wait for the ultrasound.  We were pros but the third time and were ready to hear "your baby looks great."  But there was silence.  We waited. Dr. Mike looked at the ultrasound and said, "Your baby looks good, but there is one thing I have to point out to you.”  There are two lesions on the brain. They can be nothing and may go away, but they may not.  The lesions can be a sign of other problems.   Kiddos with these lesions can have down syndrome or mental retardation.  The shock of what we were told really didn't set it right away.  He went on to tell us to come back after a couple months to see if the lesions had gone away.   The doctor gave us the option of having some test ran.  We denied these tests because we knew God was in control and we would love and accept all that He gave us.

Waiting...

it can affect plans too. I can remember those two months were filled with questions.  Kathy and I knew we were having a baby regardless of what would occur.  We knew we were blessed with a third child and we would see it through no matter what happened.  We talked about how much we would love our baby regardless.  The two months went by slowly for me.  I remember being so nervous walking in to get the next ultrasound.  I also remember the relief when Dr. Mike told us the lesions were gone.  Relief!  Oh what relief!  When I look back now, it was the first sign God made Maggie a little different.  Kathy was still unsure. She still felt uneasy.

Maggie’s birth was normal and she was beautiful the moment I laid eyes on her.  She was perfect just like her sister Kate.  Life was a little busier with a new baby and two toddlers, but everything was good.  I remember Kathy being worried about milestones and seemed to take Maggie to the doctor more than the other two kids.  I didn’t think anything of it.

Shell shocked

At 14 months old, I got a call right after I got into work at 7:30 AM.  It was Kathy and the news wasn’t good.  Kathy was on her way to Children’s Hospital with Maggie in an emergency squad. Kathy went on to tell me I need to get to Children’s Hospital ASAP.  Maggie had a seizure.  I remember grabbing my coat and running to my car four blocks away.  I recall walking into the emergency room and seeing Maggie hooked up to a bunch of machines.  She was breathing and her heartbeat was being monitored but she was still having the occasional seizure.  Seizures were starting to come in “clusters”. The doctors told us she would need to be put into a medically induced coma if the seizure clusters didn’t stop.  We had to give consent because there was a chance she would stop breathing and her heart could stop.   I just felt this deflation in my whole being.  I felt a hollowness, a hopelessness and empty.  As a man who likes order, I could not control this.  I could not help her immediately.  I could not ease her pain.  I felt defeated as my baby who depends on me for security, comfort and well-being was in front of me in a coma.  I was in shock and rocked on my heels.  All the plans I had meant nothing.  

Here is the selfish part of my thinking.  Of course I was concerned for my daughter.  I could not believe this was my daughter, my life.  I let my mind wander to try to wrap my arms around what was going on.  My linear brain led me to think about my plans…  All the plans we had for the next several years.  They were pretty well laid out plans.  They were thought out, mulled over and calculated.  They were organized and ready for action.  But this?  Wow, this threw them out the window.  I prayed this was a fluke, an anomaly.  I prayed it was a one-time happening.  Boy, was I ever wrong.

No solution, no reason, nothing

After 3 days, we were sent home.  No solution or reason, nothing.  Doctors didn’t know why she had those seizures, but they stopped so they sent us home.  That same night, Maggie started having seizures again.  We watched and waited to see if she fell into the same routine of clusters.  She did, so off we went back to the emergency room.  This time was worse.  She was having clusters that were lasting longer and coming closer together.  The emergency team ended up transporting her to trauma.  Trauma.  Again, they tested her for everything under the sun.  Another medically induced coma but this time they sent her to isolation. Since they still didn’t know why she was seizing, they had to test and to ensure there was no communicable disease that Mags had.  Everything came back clean and clear.  

Christmas Wish & Chinese Food

Finally on the the third day, Christmas Eve, her seizure activity stopped. She wasn’t the same happy baby when she woke up either. We got the diagnosis of epilepsy.  At that time, the doctors explained that when people have seizures for no reason (i.e. fever, genetics, etc), they call it epilepsy.  So they prescribed a pretty heavy hitting anti-seizure medication and sent us home.  Again, it’s Christmas Eve, we had plans for the kids with family.  Dan and Mary Kate are really too young to understand why we are changing all our plans on Christmas.  Our family went on with their plans and Kathy and I found a Chinese restaurant to order Christmas dinner from. Nothing like eating Chinese food on Christmas with your wife and kiddos.

Finding the Right Meds

All the plans we made…flushed. Kathy and I adjusted our lives around having a child with epilepsy. You can’t predict seizures.  Maggie couldn’t tell us if she felt one coming on.  Our baby was basically sedated and we were adjusting to the new normal. Life did not return to “normal.”  We made a new normal.  We met our new neurologist and began the game of finding the meds that worked best for Maggie.  This is an absolutely frustrating experience.  The side effects of many of these drugs are not fun.  We watched Maggie become frustrated, sad, irritable, dopey, sleepy and numb.  Maybe she was happy on the inside but it was heartbreaking to watch your smiley little girl have a sad face on the outside.  Please note (fast forward several years), it took us a long time to find the right med mix for Maggie.  We met a ton of doctors along the way but we finally hit the right mix where she had her personality back consistently.  She still had good and bad days but you could see the happiness in her eyes and in her smile.  Wow, a killer smile I will never forget.

Get to the Point

I guess the moral of this story is you can make all the plans in the world.  They can be the most organized and laid out so well that Stephen Covey would cry reading them.  Those plans really don’t matter.  Plans are great and help but they don’t make a perfect life.  They don’t guarantee order.  They don’t promise a good time either.  As long as you have your family surrounding you and loving you, those are the plans that last.  Those are the plans you remember.  When I get older and my memory fades, I won’t remember doctor’s names and how many days were spent at what hospital.  I will probably even forget all the things Maggie went through with each stay.  What I will remember is that my wife, kids and I endured hardships which would break other families apart.  We endured them together.  They involved good and bad times but we loved each other through it all.  We learned regardless of the circumstance our love for each other endures.  We made one plan we all continue to hold dear to each other.  A plan we won’t break or alter course from.  We planned on loving each other through for our entire lives.  That is something God has taught me along this journey with Mags.  Love endures all and is the best laid plan.

Maggie is awesome, LGS sucks and love is the answer

So, my first blog ever.  I have written stuff in the past and posted on Facebook but this is my first true attempt to try to do something meaningful for myself, hopefully others and to help me express my feeling about life, death, grief and happiness.  It is a space where I will try to just give you a look at life from my perspective and talk about things from the point of view...a man trying to get through life, living it fully by getting my hands dirty, loving people and pointing people toward Jesus by the way I live.  Yeah, I will talk about God and Jesus now and then.  If that upsets you I'm sorry but I have come to terms with the world and the world can't give me everything I need, only Jesus can.  I hope and pray you read it anyway because some of it can be funny, some of it sad, some of it educational, and maybe even you can catch a glimpse of some really cool people I have met in my life.

Here is my first story.  A heavy hearted one but one that is fresh on my mind and you will understand why quickly.  It is sad but educational and will give you a glimpse into the Lyons family.

I have thought about life a lot lately.  The purpose behind it and the reason why I am here.  It has been really one of those times I have looked at myself and tried to answer the question of why I am here.  What is my purpose?

What started this thought?  I lost my daughter Maggie (Mags) a little over 7 weeks ago.  It was completely unexpected.  My 16 year old daughter died in her sleep.  The doctors call it SUDEP.  It is like SIDS but for adults.  Adults with neurological disorders are more susceptible to this type of death than others.  Mags had Lennox Gastaut Syndrome (LGS).  What the heck is LGS?  The best way to put it is this.  She had epileptic seizures (all kinds) that could not be controlled by meds.  You can give them meds but you are typically trying to battle the volume of seizures rather than stopping them fully.  The goal of every parent of an LGS kiddo...stop seizure activity permanently.  LGS sucks.  It is humbling.  It is frustrating.  It is merciless.  It is tiring.  It is a daily grind you would never wish upon another person.  It, at times, provides a feels of hopelessness and dismay.  LGS just plain old fat sucks. 

LGS does have a by-product though.  It produces a great number or fighters.  Kids that are trying their hardest to live a daily productive life.  Kids that strive to make the best out of every day with what they have.  Kids that are surrounded by parents that wish only the best for them.  Parents who are fighters as well.  Parents who would give anything of themselves just to see the smile on their child's face.  Parents who are tender, kind, loving, compassionate, selfless and caring.  Parents who endure a grinding hardship and still find a way to smile and find happiness in the littlest of things.  Parents who have truly learned to appreciate life in its smallest detail.  To an outsider you may only see a child smile at a song that is sung to them.  What you may not know is the child hasn't smiled in two weeks and the familiar songs lets them know they are loved and in the presence of a parent who would do anything for them.  That comfort blanket of compassion just resting on their soul.  That small smile could be the fuel for the parent to endure another day of the daily grind.  Just one small smile.  There is a unmatched bond between the child and parent.

So why does the death of my daughter force me to look inwardly.  I guess grief makes you ask a lot of "why" questions.  A lot of them for sure.  I can sit here and tell you I asked myself "why" a million different ways.  It truly is a fruitless effort.  I can only focus on what I know and what I believe.  I can only reflect on things of which I am certain. I want to share those with you.

I know Maggie lived in a house full of love, in a community that loved her. She was surrounded by a family that would do anything for her. She was loved. She knew she was loved and she tried her best every day to share that love. How do I know? Mags was non-verbal but her eyes and smiles spoke for her. They said thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me a good home. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being my teacher. Thank you for being my nurse. Thank you for the hug. Thank you for the kiss. Thanks for letting me play in the mulch. By the way, I really like dirt. Thank you sis. Thank you bro. Thanks Momma. Thanks Daddy. I love you. As most of you know, Maggie could not talk, but said more and influenced more people than I could ever dream of.

Maggie was a superhero. Maggie couldn’t read a book but made contributions to science, medicine, and education. Maggie is one of three known cases worldwide with a certain genetic mutation which led to some of her challenges. I called her my own little X-Woman. She challenged people at school to find ways to make things work and accommodate her. She didn’t take no as an answer.

Maggie was a life-saver. Even in her death she gave. She donated and helped aid others and contributed in research to support people who have LGS.

Maggie was a fighter! Maggie wasn’t gifted with the best body in the world and she endured physical pain most of us would cringe at. She was the epitome of tough. Somehow through it all she still smiled. I do know this, for every minute of pain she endured, there is an endless amount of joy now.

Maggie lived life! She got her hands dirty when others wouldn’t. The girl loved dirt. Covered head to toe was her preference. She also expanded her tastes to mulch.

Maggie was a lover! She loved to kiss. Everyone, anytime, anywhere.

Maggie was a thief! She stole many hearts but she was also a master at stealing food. I would equate eating at our home to eating in a prison. Get big in the paint, keep your elbows out and an eye on your food. You had to protect and defend every bite at the table. If you snooze, you lose.

Maggie was a secret fan of musicians, especially drummers. The girl could beat the heck out of a leg, desk or table. She could pound a good desk with the best of them.

Maggie had smelly feet. She put them everywhere. She was not a big fan of keeping socks or shoes on. Mags loved to shuffle those feet through the grass, leaves or snow. She showed them off proudly while putting them on your head, lap, desktop or headrest. Mags even broke Kathy’s windshield with those powerful little toes.

Maggie couldn’t run well but managed to run a full marathon with a little help from her family and friends. She had a way of running into people throughout her life. Literally and figuratively. Those little bumps carried a lot of influence behind them. Their impact was resounding and life changing for many. It was her little belly bump to the world.

There are many fond memories and many things I will cherish but the one resounding fact which carries me through all of this mess is this: Maggie loved God and God loves Maggie. Maggie understood carrying unconditional love in your heart was the key. God gave us all faith, hope and love. The greatest of these being love. There is only one prayer I have for you today. I pray you all live a life that is as full, wonderful and far reaching as Maggie’s.

So if you asked me today, why am I here living the life I do?  My answer is pretty simple, to love like Jesus loved, unconditionally, at all times, under all circumstances.  He died on the cross and even then gave forgiveness because we did not know what we were doing.  God died to save us all including Maggie.  I know I am a sinner and His grace covers me.  He paid my debt for that sin.  I was, currently am and will be a sinner until the day I die.  But he still forgives.  It is just crazy love that allows Him to do that.  I also know God gave His only Son to the world and the world crucified Him but Jesus freely gave His life.  Again crazy love!  The least I can do is live a life that guides others to Him and teach them to love as He did.

1/7/17

7 weeks later and I still have so much to say to you.  I want give you hugs and belly bumps.  I want to see you smile.  I want to take you shopping and do your hair.  I miss your feet up in my face.  I love you mags.