Another Christmas comes and goes...how did it feel? What did you do to honor Mags? How did the family deal with the 2nd Christmas without her? Well...holidays aren't as bad as all the other days.
Preparing for an event or a holiday is stressful for any person. Add a tragedy, like the death of a child, can make it even more taxing. Trying to go on is tough. Trying to make sure others around you are happy and bright is really tough. Trying to make sure you aren't that person at the party who ruins everything with sadness is really hard. "Faking it" becomes second nature.
Learning to live with the silence is maddening. I know that seems extreme, but it's honest. Going to work has become easier. Being at home...tough! I look forward to the noise; To tiny voices, to hugs, and yes, chaos! I love it. I live for it. Now that I don't have Maggie to care for day in and day out, is a daily struggle. I think back to people asking me, "How do you do it?" or " You are so patient." I would think to myself, "Why do people ask me these questions, or sing my praises of patience?". Taking care of my kids was the best job ever! Taking care of Mags was my dream job. I planned on taking an early retirement to take care of her. I couldn't wait to spend all day with her. Yes, her medical and cognitive needs were extensive but wow, the love she gave, was more rewarding than any paycheck.
Taking care of Maggie was second nature. She became a part of me. I knew her sounds, shuffles, faces, pinches, and kisses. I knew how to get things done and take care of her at the same time. Now that she is gone, it is hard to focus. It's hard to get anything done. Now...I just sit... with my puppies or hang out outside with the chickens. I am learning how to live without her. Learning how to fill my time. Learning how to get things done without her.
Scott and I spend a lot more time together now. I love that. I love him! But...we are sad. We talk about how sad we are and feel bad that we are sad. We talk about how we think about our sweet Mags all the time. It's so difficult trying not to be sad. Trying not to bring others down. It takes more effort than you think. I thank God for him. I thank God I have him to talk to about this.
I recently finished Maggie's Memory/shadow Box for Lifeline of Ohio. When you walk in the door at Lifeline, there are beautiful frames of people who are donors and or recipients. They are people's stories and families memories. It was a goal of mine to get Maggie's done while on Winter break. I finished and I think it's perfect! I tried to include all the things Maggie loved. She loved swings, music, her dogs, family, faith, the beach, and water. She loved monkeys, mulch, dirt, and beads! I plan on creating a quilt square that will represent her love of life too. This will also become part of Lifeline of Ohio's tribute to organ, tissue and eye donors.
Speaking of Lifeline of Ohio, we received a letter from one of the tissue recipients. It was a beautifully written thank you letter from a woman who could not walk and with Maggie's tissue donation, the woman can now live a more normal life. Wow! What a gift! Not only did Maggie give the gift of sight to two people in New Zealand, but now we know she is helping a woman walk! We are so thankful to have this information. Because Maggie was a Tissue, Organ and eye donor, she is continuing to spread her love and sunshine to others. She has truly left a legacy.
So, as another new year approaches, we continue to miss our sweet girl. We continue to celebrate her love of life daily. We talk about her. We are building her memorial fund, The Magpie Fund, for siblings who live with brothers and sisters with severe medical issues and special needs. We...continue...on.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
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